You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
