I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
