My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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