i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
