Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
