Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
