end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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