you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
