i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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