i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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