And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
