is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
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At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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