You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
