Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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