why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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