I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
