Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
