every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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