I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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