I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
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She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
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Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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