Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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