I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
