he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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