too bad you live with your parents still
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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