Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
