What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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