there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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