I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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