Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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