Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
