Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
