Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
