I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
