Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How naked do you want me to be?
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