I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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