So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
