apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
