he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
