this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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