I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
