Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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