you guys were way drunker than both of me
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
