my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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