you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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