quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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