Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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