Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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