my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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