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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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