Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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