I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
