I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Im part way to drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
