You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
