Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
