My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
