I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My penis needs a shock collar
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
