i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
