i may or may not be watching the land before time
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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